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Diets Unraveling

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Right before my own Fuck It Diet epiphany, I was paleo and kicking myself for eating too many bananas. It was around the holidays, and I was bingeing daily on paleo ginger snaps and paleo pumpkin pie made out of butternut squash and honey.

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This had been my pattern for ten years. I would follow a diet religiously for a month or two or ten, and eventually, find myself constantly hungry and thinking about food. Then I’d start to really take advantage of the “allowed” foods, normally bingeing on them at midnight. I would be furious with myself and every morning would try to regain control. Eventually, I’d
Right before my own Fuck It Diet epiphany, I was paleo and kicking myself for eating too many bananas. It was around the holidays, and I was bingeing daily on paleo ginger snaps and paleo pumpkin pie made out of butternut squash and honey.

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This had been my pattern for ten years. I would follow a diet religiously for a month or two or ten, and eventually, find myself constantly hungry and thinking about food. Then I’d start to really take advantage of the “allowed” foods, normally bingeing on them at midnight. I would be furious with myself and every morning would try to regain control. Eventually, I’d stop the diet completely, heartbroken that it didn’t heal me, or my bingeing, or my food addiction, and move on to another diet.
And now, here I was again, gaining weight again because I couldn’t even stick to a reasonable, very-low-carb paleolithic diet like the one our ancestors apparently ate. Get it together, Caroline!

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My first inkling that something might be truly wrong, beyond my self-diagnosed “food addiction,” was when I started walking by the mirror and having really opposite reactions just a few minutes apart. I’d walk by and think, WOAH, I’m actually really thin . . . weird. I guess I didn’t gain ten pounds from all the almond flour ginger snaps I ate in bed last night.
Then a few minutes later I’d walk by the same mirror and think, WHAT!? How am I so big!? Oh, GOD! Look at my FACE! Then the next morning, Wait, wait, I actually do look thin. WTF. I felt crazy.

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It was only a month later when I had what I refer to as “my epiphany.” I was staring in the mirror over my bathroom sink, and it hit me like a bolt of understanding. I realized that my dysfunction with food was never going to change if I kept getting into this cycle over and over again. It would never change if I held on to my need to be skinny. In one moment it became so clear to me that not only was dieting metabolically backfiring, but my relationship to my weight was the core cause of my misery. What came after the epiphany was hard, but the decision at that moment was simple. I intuitively believed that if I could surrender to the process, it would all work itself out—mind, body, and spirit. Nobody could promise me that it would work out, but on a deep level, I knew that if I could be brave and embrace a higher weight, and feed my body what it needed, then I’d be free.
What If You’ve Already Tried?
Most of the people I work with have already tried to heal their eating.

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They’ve tried intuitive eating or some other version of “just be balanced” or “just listen to your body.” They come to The Fuck It Diet after being so frustrated that they Google “Why doesn’t intuitive eating work?!” Really. That’s the number-one search phrase that brings people to my site.
If you’ve tried to heal your eating by not dieting before, and it didn’t work, that is most likely because you were ignoring your relationship to your weight and still trying to make intuitive eating into some kind of diet. Most of us think that if we can just “eat intuitively,” we will eat like a bird and become the naturally thin and happy version of ourselves. So many of us try to heal our eating without changing our relationship to weight as well. Ignoring how closely your feelings about eating and weight relate to each other is our big mistake.

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Before my last-ditch-effort diet on paleo that led to The Fuck It Diet, I thought I was “eating intuitively” for six years. I thought that intuitive eating was the same as “sensible portion control.” I thought my “successful” stint of trying to eat like a “French woman” was intuitive eating. But it’s all a fucking diet in sheep’s clothing.
Now I realize that the entire time I thought I was eating intuitively, I was still focused on weight, and still scared of most foods, whether I was letting myself eat them or not. My intuitive eating was still used to try to eat less, which is inherently going to backfire.

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